A Mother's Milestone

I sent him out alone. I have resigned myself to the fact that there are no kids Spencer's age on our street and after watching him watch out the window as the older boys played I decided I had to let him go. Now I have gone out with Spencer and talked, even played with these boys enough to know that they are really nice kids, but do they really want a "mom" following them around as they play? It seemed the best choice was to give Spence some brief instruction on looking both ways before crossing the road and being nice to the other boys and send him out on his own. He was so happy. I was a little nervous. One of many letting go moments I am sure I will experience as a mom. So, I opened the window and settled in on the couch to watch his every move and strained to hear the conversation. He lasted about a minute before he came running home...in search of sidewalk chalk. I reviewed with him the looking before crossing the road instructions (I noticed he missed that the first time out) and he was off again. This time he barely made it across the street before once again turning and running home. He ran in the door and began to tell me how he remembered to look both ways. With that he was off again this time stopping for a moment to blow the tops off some dandelions. By the time he got back the boys were done with sidewalk chalk and were playing football. Spence again ran home to get his ball. He threw it one time and then just sat and watched the other boys play. Then came the sweet moment that melted my heart. The oldest boy, about 9, came and knelt if front of Spencer and handed him the ball back and motioned for him to come join in. Spencer threw that ball as hard as he possible could...at which point he came running home to tell me about how he "threw the ball so high that it hit the branch." I guess he has kind of gotten used to having me by his side. To listen to all his stories and solve his little problems. I know one day we will lose that connection a little and I will miss that. So until then I will be right there by his side...or at least watching out the living room window.

The Guilt

I know that it's right that we are here in Kansas. Just last Sunday as I sat through an amazing Relief Society lesson I was feeling so grateful for the opportunity I have been given to have this experience. To be outside my comfort zone and feeling lonely and insecure yet knowing that these people that I am just getting to know are so kind and good and I only hope that as I spend more time with them that somehow some of that can rub off on me. They are strong and beautiful and I just feel like I can learn so much from them. That is just one of the reasons I am happy to be here. There are many others and I feel very blessed, but still I have a lot of guilt.

My poor Spencer. I want to give him the kind of wonderful childhood that I had with friends and neighbors to play with. Unfortunately we seem to have landed in an area where 3 year old boys are scarce. There are some in the ward but they live so far away. They have lives and friends and preschool groups already established. I can tell he is bored and just wants friends. Today he way yelling at the older boys across the street who where busy playing Pokemon, " Hey boys, I have sidewalk chalk!" He got so happy when they came over for a minute to talk to us but almost cried when they left a few minutes later to finish their game. It leaves me wondering how I raise a well adjusted kid who is happy when I just don't feel like I can give him what he needs. It Utah I know what I would do. Here I feel helpless. Yet I know this is where we are supposed to be and so I will do my best to help him be happy but mostly right now I just feel guilty that I can't give him what he really wants.